A Whole Year Without Rheese- March 11, 2012

I can't believe that a whole year has passed without Rheese.  A year ago I wondered how we would be able to do it, but we did.  I still can't imagine how we will get thru possibly another 40 years.  It just seems like so long to not see him.  It's more than the number of years I've been alive and it seems impossible, but I guess we'll get thru it the same as this last year which was one day at a time.  We all miss Rheese like crazy and there isn't a day that goes by that we don't talk about him.

I wanted to take something to Rheese's grave that would be happy and last longer than flowers.  I saw these pinwheels and knew they were the perfect thing.  What a great way to celebrate Spring.  Pinwheels are so happy and I always want people to be happy when they go see Rheese.  Unfortunately, they were missing when we went a few weeks later.  I really hope that something happened to them accidentally and that no one took them.  There were many other pinwheels around the cemetery that no one touched so hopefully their disappearance was accidental.  I just hope Rheese enjoyed them while they were there.  

George didn't feel good but went with me and layed down next to Rheese.  He had his hand like this and I asked him what he was doing.  He said he was holding hands with Rheese.  I'm sure he was :).

School Ornaments

When we were decorating the Christmas tree I found this ornament that Rheese had made back in 2nd grade. It was one that I had obviously seen before and thought was very cute but it had a whole new meaning this year. There is a poem attached to it that is mostly typed but he filled in the blanks with an item that is placed inside the ornament. Here's what it said: I've put together this gift for you,
a present that's neither old nor new.
In this ornament you will find,
a gift that's truely one of a kind.

A bear for you to hug if ever I'm away.
A mirror to show you the one I love on any given day.
A bell so you can ring for me, no matter where you are.
A string to bind us together, whether near or far.
An angel to watch over us until we both grow old.
A warm fuzzy to let you know that I love you heart and soul.
An eraser to fix mistakes from things we maybe shouldn't say.
A band aid to cover the hurt feelings we may have along the way.
A snowflake to tell you how unique you are to me.
A knot to remember that my loves a guarantee.
A clothespin to remind you to always hold me tight.
And a puzzle piece to tell you that you complete my life.
A carmoa (caramel) to let you know just how much I think you're sweet.
And having you as my parents makes my life complete.

And last, but not least,
A heart to remind you
that even though the years will pass
through our fingers like sand,
you'll always have a piece of my heart
to hold inside your hand.

Rheese


I know his teacher never knew how much this simple art project would mean to us one day. I am so thankful for it and will treasure it always.

Hallmark

Last Friday, November 11, 2011, I went to the Hallmark Store to find a Christmas ornament for someone. While I was there I found this ornament:

I fell in love with it immediately because Goofy is playing the saxophone. I also found it on the 8th month anniversary of Rheese's return to Heavenly Father. I knew it was Rheese telling me to smile and think happy thoughts. I wanted it but it was a $30 ornament. I took a picture and sent it to a few people and my sister in Idaho and my parents wanted to help me get it, so it came home with me : ). When I was checking out I told the cashier about the significance of Goofy playing the sax and Rheese and about how he passed away and that it was the 8th month anniversary. We talked for a bit and she told me that she'd keep me in her prayers. She seemed genuinely touched and really seemed to care. She then told me that I needed a special magic cord for the ornament to work but they were out so she took my name and number so they could call when it came in. I got the call yesterday that it was in and went in today to pick it up. I was so surprised when I gave them my name and they gave me a gift bag with the magic cord and card in return. She told me it was from the cashier from the other day. Here is what the card said:

Dear Niki,

When I rang up your ornament when you were last here in Hallmark, and you shared with me about your son, Rheese, my heart went out to you. I've lost many family members- but your heartache is larger than I can imagine. Things happen in life that we cannot understand, yet we are left here to "keep going". I admire you so very much- for "keeping going" for your other children. We go through life never expecting something like what you are going through. I do not belive in closure, your Rheese will always be fresh in your mind- close in your heart- always your beautiful son. I know for sure he reaches out to you from above. Know that you will continue to be in my prayers.

This small gift of the "magic cord" from me to you is to let you know I care- and I'm sure everyone who knows you does also.

Hugs to you, Niki. Many wishes for blessings to come to you and your family.

-Carol at Hallmark

Wow! I could not believe that this person that I met only for a moment could care enough to do this for me. I also do not believe that it was a coincidence that I met her on that day. I know I was guided there at the right moment. I needed to hear the words that she wrote to me. Even though I already knew what she said was true, it helped so much to hear the words from someone else. I'm thankful for the Lord's tender mercies and for my guardian angel.

Chief of the Medical Staff

Rheese's heart surgeon, Dr. Michael Teodori, had this painting hanging in his office. When I saw it I felt a great sense of peace to know that the surgeon working on my son relied on Christ and knew that He was guiding him in his work. I had felt this way on the day of Rheese's 2nd surgery too. The plan for that surgery was to go in and make a wall between the 2 ventricles and also to switch them around because they were transposed. We waited in pre-op for over an hour past surgery time when Dr. Teodori finally came in to talk to us. He told us that the plan had changed because of new information from the heart catheterization they had done. They were now doing the Fontan. He told us that he had not felt good about the other plan but it was what made sense to do. He said that he finally felt good about the path they were taking Rheese on and it was the right thing to do. I knew that he was being led by the Spirit. I knew that our little boy was being watched over and protected by our Heavenly Father and that he would be ok.

A Beautiful Memorial

Rheese's headstone was placed on July 5, 2011. I am so happy with it. It is perfect. Everything about it says Rheese from the color of the granite to the pictures and the fonts. I smile whenever I see it : ).

How was Rheese really feeling?

I am reading a book called, "Before My Heart Stops", by Paul Cardall. He was born with a congenital heart defect that was opposite of Rheese. Paul had double-inlet left ventricle and Rheese had double-outlet right ventricle along with other things, but they both had the same repair, a Fontan. The book is his story as an adult waiting for a heart transplant. A lot of it is from the blog he wrote while he was waiting but there are other parts that explain what happened to him as a child growing up with a CHD. As I read it I think back to moments with Rheese. One that I just read had me in tears. He said that before his Fontan he would get so exhausted just walking up the stairs and getting around school that it made him nauseous. For the last few months of Rheese's life he threw up quite a bit and we couldn't find a reason why. Many times it happened at school and he'd have to come home. It just makes me wonder how bad he really felt but didn't tell us. I knew he wasn't feeling good and was trying to find out why but I know I didn't get how bad it really was. A little boy in his class told his dad who then told us that a couple days before he died he told him that his chest felt funny. The boy told him to tell the teacher but he said something to the affect that it does it all the time and will go away. I had NO idea this ever happened because he never told me. I wish I could ask him how long it had been going on. Maybe he had lived with it his whole life, I don't know. He also used to get really grumpy, I mean REALLY grumpy. I now think it was because he didn't feel good and that's how he reacted to it. I used to just think he was being a stinker. Oh, there are so many questions I wish I could ask him. I'll just have to wait. One day I'll have the answers.July 2008 after getting his pacemaker.

Boy Scout Patch

Not too long after Rheese died his Scout leader, Kimball Washburn, told me that he was working on something for us about Rheese. They had moved though so I didn't know if anything would really come of it but it made me feel good that he was thinking of us and him. Last month our troop had its Court of Honor and Kimball came back for it. He got up and talked a little bit about Rheese and how much he had made an impact on his life and how he thinks about him a lot. Just that right there was huge to me and had me crying, then he showed us what he had been working on. He had scout patches made in Rheese's honor. He used the picture of Rheese as a Bear in front of the flag but had the uniform changed from Cubs to Scouts and added the green because it was Rheese's favorite color and the Mickey ears because Disney was such a big part of him. Kimball told us that when he was telling the people what he wanted he said that the most important part was to get his smile : ). He told us that the Rheese Miller Difference is that we need to do our best in all that we do and not complain when things are hard. Rheese was always smiling and didn't complain about his heart. He didn't make excuses that he couldn't do something because of it and that's what we all need to do. I was definitely crying after that presentation. I cannot even begin to tell you how touched I was that he did that for us. Touched isn't even the right word. My heart felt like it was going to burst because I felt so much love. I am truely amazed everytime I hear of how Rheese touched so many people's lives. This little boy made such an impact on people in his short life. I was talking to Kimball afterward and he asked me if it was ok that he added the Mickey ears. Of course, they are perfect!
Rheese with his Scout leaders, Jared Bates and Kimball Washburn.